Kidnapping Christmas
by ArcaneWritesStuff
Summary: Christmas One-shot. Valkyries dad tries to put up Christmas lights, poeple try to capture Santa and Skulduggery gets a new best friend. Most definetly one of their best Christmases. Was a chapter in Curse of the Not so Magical Piano, but I moved it to a short story. :)


This has nothing to do with the story. I just wanted to write a short Christmas one-shot since its, well, _Christmas. _Enjoy!

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Valkyrie stared at the front of her house, mouth hanging open slightly. Her mother stood next to her holding Alice and her father stood in front of them, looking rather proud of himself.

"Oh, Desmond," Melissa said, "What did you _d_o?"

"I put up Christmas lights," He said proudly, "All by myself."

"I see that. Where did you get all of these?"

"I borrowed them."

"From who?"

"That doesn't matter." Desmond tuned on his heel and walked closer to the glowing mess of bright strings he called lights and grabbed a plug-in. "You haven't seen all of it yet!"

"How exactly did he manage to do this quiet enough for us to sleep through it?" Valkyrie asked her mother.

Melissa paused. "I have no idea."

They stood there and watched Desmond struggle with the plug-in until he did a little 'aha!' and shoved it into the slot. Valkyrie fully expected him to electrocute himself, but then changed her mind that it was more likely that the house catch fire before that.

The front, and most possibly the back wad entirely covered with bright white lights. Three giant Santa's, two snowmen and two reindeer started billowing up from the ground and a horrible high-pitched rendition of 'Deck the Halls' stared playing from a small plastic merry-go-round.

Valkyries mouth fell open. As impossible as it seemed, her father had the Lampoons lights beat. Her mother blinked and let out a 'what did you do' sigh and a very defeated whimper. Desmond stood in the middle of it all, illuminated by the lights and looking rather deranged with his large cheesy grin plastered on his face.

"How do you like it?" He shouted over the noise, "To much?"

"Just... just a bit, dear."

His eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

"Turn it off, dad!" Valkyrie shouted at him and her mother looked at her thankfully.

Desmond's shoulders dropped and he stooped and unplugged the last set of lights leaving them once again with the bit that covered the front of the house. He walked closer. "You didn't like them?"

"We loved them," Valkyrie said.

"They were just a bit too... _loud." _Melissa finished.

"Oh," He turned to face the house once again. "So, should I take these down too?"

"Oh, no." Melissa said. "These are... better. Now, why don't we all go inside before our toes freeze off?"

They trooped back and Melissa put Alice in her high chair and began dinner while Desmond plopped on the couch and turned on the T.V. Valkyrie stood behind him with her elbows on the back and decided to watch a bit of news. She smiled to herself. What would happen if they knew what real danger they were in? That there were bigger things happening than an earthquake in wherever?

Valkyrie wondered what all of her other friends where doing. Her hand slipped into her pocket for her phone when she realized that it was sitting on the kitchen table.

"Steph? You have a phone call. Do you want me to pick up for you?"

Valkyries eyes widened. She couldn't pick up the phone. It was probably Skulduggery. "No, mum, I'm coming."

She moved into the kitchen and saw Melissa cooking and her phone lit up on the table. She grabbed it and pressed answer, placing it against her ear.

"Hello?"

Skulduggery Pleasants smooth voice came through from the other side. "Valkyrie. Are you free? Their is-"

"I'm great, how are you?" Valkyrie said, cutting him off.

"I'm sorry," Skulduggery said, "What?"

"That's good. My dad just put up lights. They look _wonderful._"

"Valkyrie, what are you-?

"Nothing really," Valkyrie continued, making sure that her mother had stopped looking at her in that curious way, "I'm just standing here with my mum. Shes making dinner."

Skulduggery paused. "Ah. I see. Well then. Meet me at the pier. We have a case."

Valkyrie laughed. "Alright. Have a good night."

She hung up and her mother paused from the cooking. "Who was that?"

"Oh," Valkyrie said, leaning up against the table casually, "Just a friend wishing me happy holidays."

"Well that was nice."

"Yeah." Valkyrie stood up. "I'll be right back. I'm going up to my room for a second."

"Alright. Dinner will be ready in about five minutes."

Valkyrie climbed the stairs and touched her mirror. Her reflection climbed out and watched as she changed into her black clothes. "What do you think this is about?"

"I have no idea. Hopefully its worth my time because it is almost dinner and I'm _starving._"

"I'll save you something."

"Thanks." Valkyrie gave it a small grin and slipped out the window.

She used the air to slow her dissent and started a brisk jog. Her breath billowed out in front of her and she quickly approached the pier. Skulduggery was leaning against the Bentley, façade up. It was a brown-haired, grey eyed man today. He nodded at her as she slowed.

"Your house looks rather festive."

Valkyrie winced. "You saw that?"

"Yes. You said that he had put them up so I figured _something _would be worth looking at."

"Yeah. It's the first year he's done them."

"I can tell."

They climbed into the car and Skulduggery started the engine and pulled out onto the road.

"So what is it now?"

"Just more mages wanting to destroy the holiday."

"Wait, what? They don't want to end life as we know it? They don't want to bring the Faceless Ones back? They want to destroy _Christmas?"_

"Well, they don't want to _destroy _Christmas, more like do something that will expose magic and crush the dreams of little children."

She stared at him. "What's going on?"

"I don't think you can even call them villans. More like curious lunatics."

"Skulduggery."

"I mean," He continued, "They had to be lunatics to try it in the first place, but-"

"Skulduggery," Valkyrie said sharply, cutting him off, "What do they want to do?"

Skulduggery hesitated. "They... want to catch Santa Claus."

Valkyrie stared at him. "You can't be serious."

"This time, I am."

"They do know Santa isn't real."

"No. They think he is as real as you and I. Like I said, lunatics."

"So... what are they going to do?"

"The leader in Dalian Blast, and he has a group of three people. Himself, Sparkling Joe, yes he picked that name, and Lilly White. You know how Santa delivers his presents at midnight? They plan on launching a giant, magical net into the sky over Dublin in hopes that Santa would plow straight into it. While this might have worked if Santa where real, it's not now. Here lies our second problem. Not only do we have a giant sparkly flying net for everyone to see, there is a plane due for Dublin airport at twelve. If they hit it, that means a lot of dead mortals."

Valkyrie stared at him, expecting him to start laughing and say he was joking, but he just looked straight ahead.

"OK," She said, breaking the silence, "How are we going to stop this?"

"Hopefully we can talk sense into them without resulting in violence."

"And how likely is that?"

"Not very," He admitted.

xxx

They pulled over in front of an abandoned warehouse and got out. Valkyrie gathered the shadows around her fist as he picked the lock.  
The door swung open silently and Skulduggery crept through, pulling his gun out of its holster as he went.

The warehouse was big and quiet and empty. There was a small office to the right and besides the supports, there was nothing on the ground.

They moved slowly, Skulduggery taking one side and Valkyrie taking the other. It was cold in here, colder than outside and despite her protective clothing, she was beginning to shiver. She ran her eyes over the walls and up across the rafters. Nothing her whole search took her less than five minutes. She turned and was about to tell Skulduggery she didn't find anything when she was interrupted by a rather rude whistling.

Valkyrie turned and Skulduggery raised his gun as a little old woman hobbled through a side door. She was carrying a mop and bucket and ever so often would stop and scrub at something on the floor.

She kept moving in a straight line, and didn't lift her head. Valkyrie watched as she neared Skulduggery and finally bumped into him. She paused and looked up into his hollow eye sockets. They stood there for a few moments before a giant grin spread across her face.

"Visitor!" She cried and dropped the mop and bucket and threw her arms around Skulduggery.

Valkyrie snorted and tried not to burst out laughing as Skulduggerys head jerked back and he stumbled, the old woman holding his arms tight to his sides in a vise like hug. The little woman went with him as he stepped back and her weight made him lose his balance and the both fell backwards, the woman landing on top.

Valkyrie covered her mouth with her hand, eyes wide and shoulders shaking.

The old lady raised her face from Skulduggerys shirt, the beaming smile still on her face. "I haven't had visitors since... since... oh fiddle sticks, I can't remember. But that doesn't matter because I have one now!"

She got to her feet and picked up her mop and bucket in one hand and held onto Skulduggerys arm with the other. She began rattling off something about flowers as she dragged him to the little door. His head turned to her as he passed and he opened his mouth to say something, but was given a hard yank and disappeared through the door.

Shoulders still shaking, she followed into a brightly lit office area decorated with every Christmas Icon imaginable. The lady planted Skulduggery on the couch and moved to the little stove in the corner, returning with a cup of steaming liquid which she shoved into his hands.

"Tea is very good for you. It builds strong bones. Or is that milk? I can never remember these days! Well, drink up before it gets cold."

"Ma'am," Skulduggery started, "I hate to be-"

But he was once again cut off by the lady. This time she grabbed the cup and shoved a black disk that looked like a cookie into his hands. In the process, she splashed the tea onto his shirt and left crumbs on his pants. She turned, still rattling on, then plopped herself down next to him.

"Have you ever been to Bulgaria? It's supposed to be very pretty. I heard they came out with something called a lightbulb. Isn't it amazing? You must have had to come a long way to see me. Don't forget about your cookie!"

She still had that crazy smile on her face and her hand clasped Skulduggerys knee. Skulduggery himself was just sitting there in a sort of daze, not saying anything and looking at her in his way of surprise.

"Ma'am," He said, cutting her off, "I don't know you."

The lady twittered and nodded her head. "Ma'am. You called me Ma'am. Such a gentleman. My name is Margaret. You can call me Mardge. All my friends do. They're all dead. Old age. I'm almost a thousand myself. Birthday is the next week."

And with that she began singing 'Happy Birthday to me' to the tune of 'We Wish you a Merry Christmas.'

"Uh, Mardge. Do you mind if I, Ahem, ask you some questions?" Skulduggery tried.

Mardge patted his leg. "Ask away, young man. Did you hear the goose this morning?"

"Ah, no I didn't. Hav-"

"Well then, you must be deaf. You were saying?"

"Has anyone besides us come through here?"

"Oh, yes. Three people. Did you know that pizza is a pie?"

Valkyrie grinned and stepped forward to try to get the conversation on track, because Skulduggery was doing such a great job. Marches head snapped around to her and her smile grew wider. "Another one!"

"Yes," Valkyrie said, "Did these people tell you were they were going?"

"Oh yes. They told me there plan. Wanting to capture Santa. I told them no. You do that, I said, you do that and you wont get any presents this year. Did they listen? No. And so I couldn't have them carry it through. They wanted Santa, they got Santa."

"Do you know where they went?"

"They didn't go anywhere! They're still here!"

Mardge stood and grabbed Skulduggerys arm against, dragging him to his feet and to a door in the back. "They're in here."

Valkyrie moved to the door and opened it. The first thing she was hit with was the color. Red _everywhere._ And she saw why. The whole room was filled with Santa's. Big ones, small ones, glass ones, you name it. And in the middle of the room was three people, bound and gagged.

"Well," Valkyrie said, "That was easy."

"Yes," Skulduggery said slowly, "It was."

She grinned and they turned and Skulduggery was greeted face to face with Mardge. She had a fully cooked turkey on a platter in her hands. "Wont you stay for dinner?"

Skulduggery started to shake his head and say no, but Valkyrie cut him off. "We'd _love _to."

Skulduggery sagged and Mardge beamed at him. "Dinner time!"

"Joy." Skulduggery muttered and Mardge dragged him off.

Valkyrie grinned. This will be fun.

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And that's it! Thee is my sort of long Christmas short story! Hope you enjoyed!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

-Arcane


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